A Black Girl Wrote This

The dating pool has bare minimum energy, unhealed egos, and podcast mic logic in it. But somehow, we’re the problem.

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I saw this post on Facebook (I need to stay off that damn app) that said:

“Men these days want submissive providers,”

Basically saying… They want a woman who’s submissive, soft, peaceful, and low maintenance… but also want her to work full-time, pay bills, clean the house, cook daily, look good, manage the kids, be emotionally available, and never complain. 😬

And whew.

It’s giving…
They want you soft and strong.
Quiet and responsible.
Nurturing and non-confrontational.
A therapist with benefits.

Let’s unpack that.

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Those with main character expectations and side quest energy…

They want you to be soft—but pay bills.
They want you submissive—but also the co-provider.
They want you peaceful—but available to fix their emotional chaos.
They want you healed—but at the same time, refuse therapy?

What we’re not gonna do in 2025? Is pretend like this makes sense.

Because whats being described is a woman who:

• Works full time
• Cooks nightly
• Looks good daily
• Mothers children
• Manages a household
• Holds you down emotionally

And does it all with a smile. Quietly. Gratefully. Without ever asking you to lead, show up, or evolve.

Let’s be clear: A woman who provides stability deserves security.
And submission without safety? That’s not partnership. Its performance.

🔥 The Tea: If you want a woman who submits to you, you better be someone worth submitting to. Not just financially. Emotionally. Spiritually. Energetically. Period.

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This generation of emotionally unavailable partners want to outsource emotional labor while maintaining control.

They want to benefit from your healing, without doing the work for their own.

They want a peacekeeper. A provider. A nurturer. A comfort zone. A safe space. A mother figure. A lover. A life coach.

But they want all that for free.

Submission is a response, not a requirement.

You don’t command submission—you cultivate it.
You build trust. You create safety. You lead with consistency.

And let’s not confuse provision with presence. Because financial provision without emotional protection is nothing but an ATM with a pulse.

🔥 The Tea: You don’t get to lead HER if you can’t even lead yourself.

A healed woman knows:

• Rest requires safety
• Leadership requires consistency
• Partnership requires reciprocity

And we’re done with the era of high-functioning, self-sacrificing, “strong” women begging for basic care.

You don’t get a submissive provider. Pick one. Actually? Pick none.

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Let’s also be clear:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going 50/50.
We are not above teamwork. We are not allergic to partnership. In this economy? Sometimes a two-income household isn’t just optional—it’s survival.

But if we’re splitting the finances 50/50… then everything else better be split too.

We are not doing 50/50 on bills and then 100/0 on the emotional labor.
We are not co-paying the rent and then carrying 100% of the housework.
We are not splitting the groceries and still being the default parent, planner, therapist, and chef.
We are not splitting life down the middle, only for one of us to be mentally and emotionally unemployed in the relationship.

Because 50/50 isn’t just math—it’s maintenance. It’s partnership. It’s showing up in ALL the ways, not just the ones that make you feel good or help you feel like a man.

If I’m wiping the counters, you’re wiping the kids’ faces.
If I’m paying the water bill, you’re running the damn bath.
If I’m carrying our emotions, you’re carrying our schedule.
If I’m showing up every day as your partner, your peace, and your person—you need to be doing the same.

50/50 doesn’t mean equal effort at the same time. It means shared commitment to keeping us both from drowning.

Because if all I ever do is pour, and you never think to refill? That’s not love. That’s labor.

PAY ME.

If I’m cooking, cleaning, planning, managing, and emotionally regulating the whole household? That’s a job—not a love language. And if you want me working like the house manager, you better come with salary, benefits, and PTO.

This is why some women choose the stay-at-home path intentionally.
Because they understand the assignment: If I’m doing all the labor, you’re doing all the providing. Period.

So let’s be clear, ladies:
If you’re a SAHM and you don’t have your own budget, your own allowance, or your own access to funds? RED FLAG.
Because being provided for isn’t control. It’s care. And if they’re using “I pay for everything” to limit your access, that’s not protection—it’s manipulation.

We’re not working for free out here. Not emotionally. Not mentally. Not domestically.
You want a housewife? Cool. You better pay like it.

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The Dating Reality Check

Stop waiting until you’re six months in and emotionally entangled to ask the real questions.

Time is not something you get back.
I say that as someone who spent almost two decades of my life in two relationships that had me playing the part of the wife, the therapist, the emotional regulator, the motivator, the planner, the MOTHER, and everything in between. I did that so you don’t have to.

(And yes, we gon’ laugh at the pain. LMFAO!)

You need to be serious about your time because it’s the one resource you can’t refund. Don’t waste six months figuring out what a real conversation could’ve told you in three dates. Don’t give away your softness, your consistency, your energy—only to find out this person was never even aligned with what you wanted in the first place.

And let’s talk about it—if you’ve never even actually dated (I’m talking about intentional, paced, curiosity-driven dating—not just “vibing” into a situationship)? That’s a problem.

Dating is not just about chemistry—it’s about compatibility. It’s about observing how someone handles conflict. How they follow through. How they communicate. What they value. It’s not about forcing a title—it’s about gathering the data you need to make informed decisions. That’s grown.

And most of all? Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Stop being cryptic. Stop “going with the flow” if the current is leading you to confusion. You are not too direct. You are not asking for too much. You’re just done playing guessing games with people who don’t know how to show up clearly.

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Here’s what needs to be on the table within the first 3 dates:

• What’s your relationship with money like?
• Have you ever been to therapy?
• How do you typically handle conflict?
• Do you believe in gender roles in relationships?
• What does 50/50 mean to you?
• How do you decompress after a long day?
• What does partnership look like to you?
• Do you want kids? What kind of parent do you think you’d be?
• How do you show love when things aren’t easy?

If they fumble the questions, get defensive, or mock your seriousness?

Let that be your last date.
You deserve alignment—not another unspoken expectations experiment.

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This Isn’t Just a Hetero Problem

Let’s be real: These dynamics don’t just show up in straight relationships.

I’m a queer woman. I’ve been in partnerships that looked different from the “default” heteronormative model.
And guess what? Emotional imbalance still shows up.

Because this isn’t just about gender. It’s about energy. Power. Labor. Communication.

No matter who you love or date—the truth is this:

You should not be carrying the emotional weight of two people.

You should not be the only one initiating hard conversations.
You should not be the only one evolving.
You should not be the one who gives softness and gets survival in return.

If you’re doing the work and asking for a relationship rooted in mutuality, and they respond with jokes, deflection, or avoidance?

They’re not ready. And you don’t have to shrink to wait for them to catch up.

Because here’s the truth: we are no longer waiting on potential.
We are no longer getting emotionally entangled with people who “could be great someday” or swear they’ll change for us. No. They need to change for themselves. They need to grow because they want better, not because they want access to you.

We are no longer building men and raising boys just because we “see their heart.” We are not falling in love with blueprints and future promises. You had parents—and even if you didn’t? At this grown-ass age, you’ve had enough time, enough heartbreak, and enough feedback from the world to know you need to heal.

You just chose not to.

And us? We don’t have the luxury of time to wait on people to be whole. We need partners who are already doing the work. Already in motion. Already addressing their patterns. Already holding up a mirror and saying, “I know what I need to work on, and I’m doing it.”

Because if you can do the work for you, you deserve someone who’s doing the same for themselves.

Period. No notes. No fixer-uppers. No more emotional internships.

And that’s that on that.

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💬 Join the Conversation:

• Am I truly supported here, or just performing partnership?
• Have I confused potential with readiness?
• What questions am I avoiding asking out loud?
• Would I want my daughter to model this relationship dynamic?
• What would it look like if I stopped being afraid to ask for more?

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✨ Affirmation of the Day

I am not built to carry it all and still shrink to make you feel tall.
I deserve softness, structure, and support—and I will not apologize for requiring it.

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🗣️ “If it don’t apply, let it fly. But if you feel triggered… maybe the shoe fits.”

• My Kids Ain’t Got McDonalds Money
• You Do Know Joy Is a Choice, Right?
• Formed by Neglect, Fueled by Self-Betrayal
• They Want a Wife, But Act Like a Dependent.
• Being the Bigger Person Is Tired. Let Her Rest.